The hidden costs of people pleasing: What it’s really costing you
Are you constantly saying ‘yes’ to others, whilst saying continuously saying no to yourself? Do your needs and feelings seem like a burden to share with other people? Do you find yourself often preoccupied by worries that you are not liked, or not good enough in some way?
If you answered yes to any of the questions, you may well have people pleasing tendencies. Being a ‘people pleaser’ often stems the need to prove your value by overextending ourselves, avoiding conflict and merging to become what we think other’s want from us. Whilst on the face of it we may think “What’s so wrong about being ‘nice’, ‘helpful’ or ‘a good girl’? Surely, these are virtuous traits. The imbalance occurs when our focus is so heavily on others happiness that we end up neglecting our own needs, wants and desires.
I once walked into a salon for a trim and walked out with a bob – five inches of hair gone – because I was too polite to tell the enthusiastic hairdresser that no, I was not on the market for a drastic life change that day. Another time during a massage, the therapist asked “ Is everything ok?” I nodded politely and then resumed my internal monologue of sheer agony! I was counting the seconds for it to be over and so glad I hadn’t booked for a full hour… 30 minutes was more than enough. Or the classic: walking down the road, awkwardly negotiating door-holding etiquette, and somehow ending up apologising- when I wasn’t even sure what for. Sorry for existing? Sorry for the door? Sorry for making eye contact? Who knows.
At the heart of people pleasing - this need to be liked, to be accepted and to gain approval by being of use to others is fuelled by fear and sustained by anxiety. It’s a daily battle of limiting any risk of disappointing others in order to avoid a deep fear of rejection and abandonment. We go about trying to escape this internal wound by doing the very thing we fear most to ourselves. We abandon ourselves: silence our voice, deny our needs (sometimes at the most basic level – have you drunk enough water today?).
Here are some of the costs of people pleasing and what it really does on an emotional, physical and mental level:
1. Burnout:
One of the strongest factors of burnout from physical, mental and emotional exhaustion is emotional stressors. The emotional toll of constantly managing others demands, requests leaves little room for your own. The cost being chronic stress, increased anxiety and an inability to break out of the cycle.
2. Disconnection from self:
Over time, people pleasing takes us away from our goals, desires and values. We form habits of simply reacting to our environment, keeping others happy, problem solving or being overly preoccupied by others lives. Before you know it, you’re sitting there eating Hawaiian pizza- despite hating ham and pineapple – because you’ve spent a lifetime learning not to make a fuss. Just pick the bits off and swallow your dignity along with the soggy crust!
The question is; who are you when you are not living for others? Seriously though, what are your likes, and preferences? Get curious this week.
3. Increased anxiety and overwhelm:
The constant fear of disappointing others creates a constant state of hypervigilance. You might overthink texts, replay conversations, or feel anxious about potential disapproval. The cost overanalysing interactions, feeling on edge in social settings and struggling to relax or feel at ease with others.
4. Attracting unhealthy relationships:
People pleasing often attracts people who take more than they give. Do you ever hear the phone ring only to see who it is and feel your life force energy zapped before you’ve even picked up the phone? Which you do out of both obligation and guilt. You may find yourself in one-sided friendships, relationships, or workplaces that drain you. The cost is feeling unappreciated or undervalued, a pattern of toxic or codependent relationships, giving more than you receive in relationships.
5. Health issues from chronic stress:
People pleasers often ignore their own wellbeing. Chronic stress, emotional suppression and overcommitment can lead to living in a constant state of anxiety and stress. Overtime this can cause digestive issues, hormonal imbalances, Chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia, headaches and muscle tension to name a few.
If any of these hidden costs resonate with you, know that change is totally possible. It’s often behaviour that’s learnt in childhood. The good news? You can unlearn it. I teach the stepping stones to ‘stop pleasing, start living’ in my mini course here….
Final thought
People pleasing doesn’t make you more lovable- it makes you more exhausted. True connection come from authenticity, not over giving. You deserve relationships where you’re valued for who you are, not just what you do for others.
Ready to take the next step? Book a free consultation with me, and let’s create a plan to help you reclaim your confidence and energy.
www.sureyyahester.com