The Truth Between People Pleasing and Perfectionism

The truth between people pleasing and perfectionism

Have you ever found yourself saying “yes”  when you really wanted to say “no”? Or felt the weight of an impossible standard hanging over you, afraid to fall short? If so, you may be caught in the web of people pleasing or perfectionism- or both. While it might seem like separate struggles, they are often intertwined, stemming from the same core wounds of self-worth, fear of rejection, and a need for validation.

The overlapping traits

People pleasers and perfectionists share several key traits that keep them stuck in exhausting cycles of self- sacrifice and over-functioning.

 1. Fear of rejection and judgement

Lots of behaviour revolves around not disappointing others. Avoiding disapproval at the cost of our own sense of self. The fear of judgement is a constant undercurrent manifesting as anxiety. Fear or doing wrong or not enough.

 2. Harsh self-criticism

In order to maintain our relationships whether it be with friends, collegues or family we can be so critical of ourselves and putting a foot wrong. This inner critic erodes our self worth over time and is taxing on our nervous system and often operates from a faulty belief system that without the inner critic whipping us into shape – things would fall apart or we’d end up abandoned for not being enough.

 3. Overextending themselves

Going above and beyond and not being in tune with our limits or our bodies attempts to slow us down. We get caught up in proving ourselves and it feels like there’s no off button. Our relationship with rest can conjure up feelings of guilt.

 4. Lack of boundaries

Not being able to define ourself as separate from others we can merge into what we think others want from us rather than tapping into our own internal compass of what feels right. Guilt and obligation weigh heavy and so we end up overbooking, overdoing and not being able to voice “no” to requests, poor behaviour.

Whether its only feeling happy when we have made someone else happy, or only feeling valuable by creating impossible standards to sustain. Take the time back when I was a teacher (A level Psychology obvs) Each teacher was required to submit one neatly organised folder for the entire years work plan. Sensible, right? My perfectionist brain had created folders for each topic I taught detailing every minute of teaching time with differentiated resources meeting the needs of each invidual learner and their particular needs. Needless to say I burned out, foreboaf my colleagues warnings or skipping lunch breaks and working into the evening. Classic perfectionist at work!

The constant need to meet expectations- whether those of others or their own – leads to chronic stress, anxiety and even phsyical exhaustion.

A people pleasing perfectionists tale:

 Perfectionism and people pleasing doesn’t just show up in high stake situations – it sneaks into everyday life. Take my time as a teacher for example. Each teacher was required to submit one folder containing the years learning plan – neatly organised and handed in on time. Well my perfectionist brain had a folder for every topic taught  throughout the year (12+) which included a minute by minute break down of teaching time, meticulously individuated resources - achieved by missing lunch and working into every evening buried in lesson plans. Yes my stomach rumbled in class and yes I was so tired and over worked but my need for approval out weighed my bodies cries to pump the breaks and slow down… Needless to say I burnt out, despite my colleagues forewarning me that I was doing too much. Classic perfectionism at work!

The key difference: Who are you trying to please?

Whilst people pleasers prioritise the needs and expectations of others to maintain relationships and avoid conflict, perfectionists focus on proving their worth through flawless performance. At their core both derive from the belief of “ I am not enough as I am”

Breaking free from the cycle

If you recognise yourself in these patterns know that healing is possible:

Challenge your fears – Ask yourself what is the worst that can happen if you disappoint someone? Or make a mistake? You’ll likely realise your fear is exaggerated

Redefine success – instead of striving for perfection, aim for progress and authenticity, Give yourself permission to be human.

Daily self-care – include a 10 minute activity that brings joy to your daily to-do list. Pull out the watercolours, colouring pens or knitting needles and give yourself daily respite from ‘doing’ to ‘being’ when we you do activities that you can lose yourself in, we enter a state of flow. Who knows… you may increase the time when you realise just how refreshing it is to step away from being productive.

Are you ready?

Take the next step to overcome people pleasing and perfectionism, begin today with this course …. Or take a look at my website for more information www.sureyyahester.com